Stopped up on the stoop
what do i believe in?
haven’t i been through that wall already?
do i know demolition better than construction?
what prestige need i seek?
what riches need i accumulate?
what sickness need i lick?
what ideal need i sacrifice limb and life to?
i am already an old folk stopped on a stoop
spying agitation and cogitation
demo-derby itself down the street
let all that remains of me be some fair artlette
something to lighten that dumbbell
thats sit atop the rack of the shoulders
something that makes smile what could only heretofore grimace
i am immodest even in my modesty
but sincere despite my knock kneed gaucherie
once a strongman
now an old man
once a jetsetter
now a homebody without a home
once a teacher
now, once more, a caterpillar
once a lover, brother, son and friend
now a wayward jelly
id rather be forgotten for what i am
than remembered for what i am not
id rather, in a stupor, omni-agape
than judge, hate,
annihilate
id rather indifference
than ignorance
all that confessed
none of it will stop me from relapse
when relapse be fitting…
when will i get back to where i was before?
i hate retracing my steps.
hate. yes. certainly.
if i must retrace mes errances,
let it be in cement next time.
i dont remember properly
paris, sedan, loisy,
amsterdam, alkmaar,
naples, rome,
brussels, antwerp,
andernach, rancho palos verdes,
bangkok, bombay,
alexandria, cairo, luxor,
jerusalem, petra,
new orleans or new iberia…
i dont remember like one ought…
and still i cant backtrack
for fear of trampling over my delicate memories
if i do the math of all the aforementioned places visited
i end up with a gummed up gob
of souvenirs pléthoriques
the only common denominator is some obscure infinity
of go and go and go
same be said
of all the drugs ive loved
of psilocybin, mescaline, acid, ayahuasca, salvia,
coffee, coke, adderall, modafinil and the racetams too
of the downers, chartreuse, orval and prosecco
of the opiates,
of tobacco.
they all add up to a mental luggage
overburdened
by voyages
too numerous to make fit
even with a friend to sit
on my head while i close the latches